May 12, 2002

• Shaq Paq...Ack!

  
  

  Has anyone seen this Burger King™ commercial with Shaq™ wearing this leather coat that's the size of unstuffed furniture covering and jamming the ball on some unsuspecting kiddies who probably just want to play some lot ball without being picked on by Andre the Hormonally Imbalanced? All with this butchered version of the Shaft™ theme playing in the background that HAS to make Richard Roundtree not only instantly airsick, but want to hook up with Lawrence Fishbourne and go kick Shaq's™ sorry ass. I don't care if he DID act with him in that _Steel_ movie. What's up with that? Why not having him trying to slam down on the Lipton™ animated characters, a trio of blindfolded 3 year olds, a three legged dog named Tripod? Wanna impress me, put Jackie Chan, Jet Li, and Chuck Norris in between him and the basket...yea baby! (Hmm, very strange...I just noticed how many threes just cropped up in that paragraph) The sound of his chin hitting the pavement would set off Richter measurements in Ixtapa.

  
  

  I mean, he's eating a hamburger that I assume is full size, but looks like it's a White Castle™ or a plastic toy out of the Collector's Edition of Fast Food Frolick Barbie Activity Set™ in those Tex Avery/bitten by a radioactive habitual masturbator hands of his. Then, to top it all off, it comes with, of all things, this thimble of cheese dip...chedder flavor specifically (as if they would have had Roquefort or Fetta).  What the? Why cheese, why not...I dunno, a specially colored ketchup labeled 'Shaq Sweat'™, a mini, electric salt injector, a spray bottle of fresh grease, or a small plastic hoop with a glow-in-the-dark net that clips to your nostrils so you can really *dunk* your fries. Slammin! ugh.

  
  

  I'm so disgusted by this 'heavy rotation' sports whoring, I'm going to stop now before I begin to come across as far more bitter and cynical than I really am.

  
  

  Oh yea, and a big kiss and hug to all you mothers out there! Happy Mother's Day™, even if it IS a corporate manufactured holiday created by greeting card lobbyists...you deserve more than just one day, but since we could never really pay you back anyhow, accept this wish that, starting today, you never have to remind the men in your life to also put a liner back in the cans after so thoughtfully taking out the garbage

  • 1:03 am
  • 2 Comments