September 29, 2002
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I considered leaving this private, but perhaps some of you have had this happen to you, so I'd like to share it with you if I may.
I just found a calendar for 2001 that had different family dates filled in. Anniversaries, birthdays, appointments, as so fourth. It was in my mom's handwriting. At first, I thought she was in the habit of doing this a year in advance...but as I looked over the calendar, I noticed times and dates toward the end of it that someone wouldn't have put on a calendar a year in advance. About the time I realized that she had probably picked up a calendar for the wrong year and had been filling it out (only the last few months had entries I realized), I got to December of 2001. Written in my mom's handwriting were the words 'Blue Christmas'.
The irony in the room is so thick I can't breath; I keep dreading the day that I can't remember what her voice sounds like and wondering when my brain will stop making connections to things like this. I suppose it never will...and would I really want it to?
Nah, not really.
There are times when I miss her so much I can't think straight; people usually see me like this and ask if I'm feeling well. To which I'll usually tell them I'm fine, or for my better friends, blame it on their breath and offer them a mint. Speaking of dark humor, the calendar was from a drug company and was entitled '2001: prevention, health, wellness'. What are the odds?
Comments (3)
Aw dammit, now ya got *me* going again.
I think perhaps the pain and sorrow we feel in losing a loved one is the tax imposed by the universe for having reaped so much joy and benefit from having them in our lives.
For whatever it's worth, in my own experience, it does tend to equalize itself out over time. Pain and sorrow gives way to fond remembrance... Probably never completely; you may always be a little bit in debt to the universe, but eventually it calls off its goons and lets you pay at your own rate.
Your right, brutha, your right...and I'm with you, here does seem to be a balance to it all; it's just that there are days when you're just cruising along and get mentally clothslined with stuff like this; I end up being torn between feeling bad and feeling guilty that it actually *did* catch me off guard. Very strange.
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