One Texan's Response To The Brits

namely...mine

The formerly sovereign and reasonably sane state of Texas presents the following open letter to the previously mentioned memorandum:

 

Zane T. Dark

Sheriff's Office

2308 Sandy Ln

Strangled Bull, Texas

77079

 

1. We've talked about this at length while enjoying many a balmy East Texas night around the bug zapper with only each other and several gallons of Uncle Jake's fermented peach shine for company because the ladies where having a Tupperware party...and no matter where you are in the universe, we're quite sure that only leads to an Amway meeting; and the further you stay away from those, the better. Though its taste is almost but not quite entirely unlike peaches soaked in rusty pond water, its Cuisinart effect on the human brain allowed us to determine once and for all that this spelling nonsense with the extra silent vowels is just the British attempting to cheat at  Scrabble (tm). We also took a vote; fuck Pittsburgh.

 

2. It is disappointing that you've actually referred to something Microsoft published as a 'spell-checker'. We were kind of hoping that the machinegun supply of intellectual road apples (Texas term for horse hockey....dung, if you will) coming out of Redmond hadn't fooled you folks too. We figure a program that doesn't know the difference between 'shithead' and 'sheathed' is just liable to get a fella stabbed. Any decision you have about Microsoft is fine with us, as long it involves putting Bill Gates on life support machines that are run by his own OS. Oh yea, we'd prefer it make a 'ping' sound, but that's up to you, of course.

 

3. Distinguishing accents is like trying to tell a camel anus from a llama anus; I wouldn't wanna eat sushi off of either, so what's the point? Unless you’re Japanese.

 

4. Red Dwarf was re-cast? An idea like that would get you tied down to a fire ant mound or kicked in the groin with lineman's boots around here....what happened to that  unfortunate soul? If you think we as a state don’t identify with Lister and drinking lager for breakfast or picking what to wear with our sense of smell…you don’t know as much as you think you do. We hope he was dealt with properly; unless of course he was Japanese...we hear they like that sort of thing.

 

5. We sing Hank Williams and Elvis songs around here, so you might as well just consider this one done already.

 

6. If anything on this list will get you shot, this idea is it.  We just consider it more of a challenge to break a guy's nose when he has it in a cage. It's a Kung Fu thing really, like snatching the pebble from the master's hand or walking across the rice paper without tearing it. How about we change the name to something even more American and  hinky, like XtreamBall. But only if you abolish reality TV and make it punishable by making them have to listen to Vogon poetry. As for baseball, your jealousy is showing, and it's very unbecoming.

 

7. France? Just say the word. Quebec?! I say we leave Canada in general alone...oh sure, they speak French, but they also put catsup on macaroni and cheese so it's kind of a toss up. Hell, we live next to Louisiana; it’s handy having someone who knows how to fix ‘blackened rhino’ living nearby. Just in case.

 

8. Can we replace it with the season start of NASCAR?

 

9. So does this mean that an oil pump for BMW won't be 130 bucks anymore? Fine by us. As for roundabouts, Austin, New Braunfels, San Antonio all still have them; the  signals started showing up about the same time the Yankees did, along with the toll  roads and a federal income tax...can you take care of those while you're at it? As for the  metric system, you're just pissed we could get away with ignoring it and you can't.

 

10. We call 'em country fries, and if you try to serve warm, flat beer around here in the  middle of August with 109% humidity...you may as well start selling urethral piercings (a Prince Albert…what this yall’s idea? Who takes a look at his package and says ‘Hmmm, it’s handsome, but needs something else. Wait! I know! Metal…a ring of metal will spruce it up quite nicely’?) with nothing but a pair of hog ring pliers and whiskey for anesthetic.

 

11. Yankees. At least you don't have to listen to how much nicer it is up north all the damn time. If it's so damn nice, why are they here? Ta hell with Bah-stun.

 

12. Don't preach real beer to us...aside from that Lone Star swill, most of it brewed in Texas IS German. Would you preach to a German about beer? Didn't think so.

 

13. Good luck on this one. Refineries blow up around here...don't believe me. Just look up Baytown, TX on the internet.

 

14. Thinking for even a second that we'll dispute drowning all the lawyers, chasing off the shrinks, and replacing the People's Court with a bar brawl is just plain silly. And  though we are fans of silly as a general rule....please.

 

15. It's just a guess, but we're sure it has something to do with Tupperware. And don’t even TALK to those pricks in Dallas. Ain’t a damn one of them know how to make barbeque OR chili and think when Mick sings about a ‘fine Arab charger’ that it’s some kind of foreign car. They can’t be trusted…so don’t.

 

16. Good luck with this one too, we're still trying to recover from the Civil War. Hell, they're still teaching kids that war was about slavery and NOT about a bunch of states telling a federal establishment with more guns than we had to ‘toddle off and go suck wind’

 

 

In short, many of us find ourselves on this amusement park ride unable to hold down our lunch most of the time. I’d say enjoy the show and stay away from McDonald’s…that’s how it starts. So you Brits be careful…and if we really are the ones who started TV shopping channels. Sorry about that.

 

Take care y’all…err…Cheers,

Zane T. Dark

Sheriff of Strangled Bull, Texas and former Vice President of the Known Universe

 

A Memorandum From The Brits

MEMORANDUM

Home Office

Direct Communications Unit

7th Floor

50 Queen Anne's Gate

London

SW1H 9AT

 

 

TO: The Citizens of the United States of America

 

RE: Revocation of your Independence

 

 

In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the USA

and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation

of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen

Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states,

commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not

fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP

for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a

world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America

without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will

be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to

determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a

British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with

immediate

effect:

 

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be

amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U'

will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping

the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise,

you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.

You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed'

not

'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You

will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh.

You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope

with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your

vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same

twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and

"you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry

Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then

you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your

vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

 

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know

on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take

account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".

 

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.

It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney,

upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have

to learn how to understand regional accents? Scottish dramas such as

"Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're

talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as

Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you

persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires"

>e.g.

Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

 

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as

the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to

play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly?

or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy

American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional

political incorrectness.

 

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The

Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want

you to get confused and give up half way through.

 

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind

of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very

good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world

outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays

"American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and

should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if

you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave

enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to

American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every

twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like nancies). We

are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.

You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an

event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside

of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond

>your borders, your error is understandable.

Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called

"rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized

gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

 

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons

if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that

there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky.

The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for

"$hit". You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will

no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public

than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible

enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a

permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

 

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new

national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive

Day".

 

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are cr*p and it is for

your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what

we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You

will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same

time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit

of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you

understand the British sense of humour.

 

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French

fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French; they are Belgian

though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in

Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you

insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real

chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional

accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.

Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

 

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to

all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity

to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

 

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not

actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper

British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of

known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The

substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be

referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the exception of the

product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be

referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow true

Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech

Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

 

13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as

you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices

with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the

former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices

(roughly $6/US gallon

- get used to it).

 

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,

lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and

therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns

should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort

things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then

you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

 

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

 

16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you

shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to

1776).

 

Thank you for your cooperation.

 

 

Rt Hon David Blunkett

Home Secretary

 

 

 

Sorry Kid, College Will Cost You A Liver

(but you can buy one back once you graduate)

Keep your head down folks...lest you get hit in the head by a low-flying job headed out of the country. While liberals hide behind being 'politically correct', and conservatives outsource because it 'makes sense at the bottom line'...we're all fucked. But, we voted to keep a government that will restrict imports to keep the prices we pay up so American businesses can compete while allowing those same companies to ship out jobs overseas...so we, as a country, are going to get exactly what we deserve. But wait, what happens when those same displaced employees stop buying all that competitively priced shit? I guess we'll find out sooner or later, right?

 

We get a secure feeling at the cost of three generations of people who's overriding pastime will be to kill Americans.

We get cheap fuel prices while the cost to keep devastating climactic change from wiping us off the planet like so much graffiti on a dry erase board get's more and more costly.

...the list goes on. But then, the very young and unborn can't vote against us leveraging thier future, can they? They can't protest, picket...or anything. Conveinent, yes?