November 25, 2004
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One Texan's Response To The Brits
namely...mine
The formerly sovereign and reasonably sane state of
Zane T. Dark
Sheriff's Office
Strangled Bull,
77079
1. We've talked about this at length while enjoying many a balmy East Texas night around the bug zapper with only each other and several gallons of Uncle Jake's fermented peach shine for company because the ladies where having a Tupperware party...and no matter where you are in the universe, we're quite sure that only leads to an Amway meeting; and the further you stay away from those, the better. Though its taste is almost but not quite entirely unlike peaches soaked in rusty pond water, its Cuisinart effect on the human brain allowed us to determine once and for all that this spelling nonsense with the extra silent vowels is just the British attempting to cheat at Scrabble (tm). We also took a vote; fuck
2. It is disappointing that you've actually referred to something Microsoft published as a 'spell-checker'. We were kind of hoping that the machinegun supply of intellectual road apples (
3. Distinguishing accents is like trying to tell a camel anus from a llama anus; I wouldn't wanna eat sushi off of either, so what's the point? Unless you’re Japanese.
4. Red Dwarf was re-cast? An idea like that would get you tied down to a fire ant mound or kicked in the groin with lineman's boots around here....what happened to that unfortunate soul? If you think we as a state don’t identify with Lister and drinking lager for breakfast or picking what to wear with our sense of smell…you don’t know as much as you think you do. We hope he was dealt with properly; unless of course he was Japanese...we hear they like that sort of thing.
5. We sing Hank Williams and Elvis songs around here, so you might as well just consider this one done already.
6. If anything on this list will get you shot, this idea is it. We just consider it more of a challenge to break a guy's nose when he has it in a cage. It's a Kung Fu thing really, like snatching the pebble from the master's hand or walking across the rice paper without tearing it. How about we change the name to something even more American and hinky, like XtreamBall. But only if you abolish reality TV and make it punishable by making them have to listen to Vogon poetry. As for baseball, your jealousy is showing, and it's very unbecoming.
7.
8. Can we replace it with the season start of NASCAR?
9. So does this mean that an oil pump for BMW won't be 130 bucks anymore? Fine by us. As for roundabouts, Austin, New Braunfels, San Antonio all still have them; the signals started showing up about the same time the Yankees did, along with the toll roads and a federal income tax...can you take care of those while you're at it? As for the metric system, you're just pissed we could get away with ignoring it and you can't.
10. We call 'em country fries, and if you try to serve warm, flat beer around here in the middle of August with 109% humidity...you may as well start selling urethral piercings (a Prince Albert…what this yall’s idea? Who takes a look at his package and says ‘Hmmm, it’s handsome, but needs something else. Wait! I know! Metal…a ring of metal will spruce it up quite nicely’?) with nothing but a pair of hog ring pliers and whiskey for anesthetic.
11. Yankees. At least you don't have to listen to how much nicer it is up north all the damn time. If it's so damn nice, why are they here? Ta hell with Bah-stun.
12. Don't preach real beer to us...aside from that Lone Star swill, most of it brewed in Texas IS German. Would you preach to a German about beer? Didn't think so.
13. Good luck on this one. Refineries blow up around here...don't believe me. Just look up
14. Thinking for even a second that we'll dispute drowning all the lawyers, chasing off the shrinks, and replacing the People's Court with a bar brawl is just plain silly. And though we are fans of silly as a general rule....please.
15. It's just a guess, but we're sure it has something to do with Tupperware. And don’t even TALK to those pricks in
16. Good luck with this one too, we're still trying to recover from the Civil War. Hell, they're still teaching kids that war was about slavery and NOT about a bunch of states telling a federal establishment with more guns than we had to ‘toddle off and go suck wind’
In short, many of us find ourselves on this amusement park ride unable to hold down our lunch most of the time. I’d say enjoy the show and stay away from McDonald’s…that’s how it starts. So you Brits be careful…and if we really are the ones who started TV shopping channels. Sorry about that.
Take care y’all…err…Cheers,
Zane T. Dark
Sheriff of Strangled Bull,
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