November 25, 2004
-
A Memorandum From The Brits
MEMORANDUM
Home Office
Direct Communications Unit
7th Floor
50 Queen Anne's Gate
SW1H 9AT
TO: The Citizens of the United States of America
RE: Revocation of your
In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the
and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation
of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen
Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states,
commonwealths and other territories. Except
fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP
for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a
world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for
without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will
be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to
determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a
British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with
immediate
effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U'
will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping
the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise,
you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.
You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed'
not
'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You
will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g.
You are welcome to respell
with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your
vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same
twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and
"you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry
Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then
you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your
vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know
on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.
It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney,
upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have
to learn how to understand regional accents? Scottish dramas such as
"Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're
talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as
persist in calling it
>e.g.
Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4.
the good guys.
play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly?
or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy
American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional
political incorrectness.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want
you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind
of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very
good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world
outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays
"American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and
should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if
you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave
enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to
American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every
twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like nancies). We
are hoping to get together at least a
You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside
of
>your borders, your error is understandable.
Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called
"rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized
gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
7. You should declare war on
if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that
there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky.
The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for
"$hit". You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will
no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public
than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible
enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a
permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new
national holiday, but only in
Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are cr*p and it is for
your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what
we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You
will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same
time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit
of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you
understand the British sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French; they are Belgian
though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in
insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real
chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional
accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.
Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to
all tea made within the
to be doubled for tea made within the city of
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper
British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of
known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The
substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be
referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the exception of the
product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be
referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow true
Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech
Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
13. From December 1st the
you will be permitted to keep calling it until
with the former
former
(roughly $6/US gallon
- get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns
should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort
things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then
you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you
shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to
1776).
Thank you for your cooperation.
Rt Hon David Blunkett
Home Secretary
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