December 5, 2004
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Atlanticons, Rehabilitate!
I were a Transformer I’d very much like to turn into a MINI Cooper. My name would be FasterBlaster and my skill would be sneaking up behind the enemy very quickly during battle and playing extreamly loud (we’re talking Hitchhikers-Guide-To-The-Galaxy-Disaster-Area Loud here…I mean oort-cloud-rustling loud.Your-Grandchildren-Will-Be-Deaf Loud. So-That’s-What-My-Brain-Tastes-Like Loud..but I digress) disturbing sound effects like the sound of ripping denim seams, crushing a walnut with a floor safe, broken glass being tossed into a jet turbine, the sound of an airhorn mixed with rock quarry explosions, or Freddy Kruger scraching his ass. When not in combat, I would be in charge of psychological demoralization like Photoshoping pictures of Decepticons having sex with kitchen appliances, selected scenes from Discovery Channel programming that show airplane innards printed on little pamphlets, audio recordings of air traffic control chatter during near misses broadcast via enemy frequencies, or airline mechanic trading cards.However, I’m not quite sure if I’m honorable enough to be an Autobot. There are probably qualifications that involve:
NOT thinking a crowd of nuns running around a stretch of polo pitch hitting each other with paintball-ink-filled purses is funny.
NOT having scared the crap out of your two little brothers by hiding a walkie-talkie at the foot of the bunk bed in their toychest at night.
But I’m not nearly evil or whiney enough to be a Decepticon. Perhaps a new group of beings that turn into ships and seagoing vessels the…Atlanticons. We’d just drink and sail and make fun of seasick people..hmmm, that doesn’t sound very good. Anyway, our leader would be an oval-shaped submarine Transformer and her name would be Jennoid Omega. Her minion would be an obsessive-compulsive torpedo named Squirt.
You heard it here first…Go Hasbro!
