November 7, 2002

• ****Rant Warning: The following words are the feelings and thoughts of our CEO, Founder, and Urinal-Cake Taste-Tester Zane T. Dark and in no way represent the feelings, thoughts, or infant daydreams of InZane Industries Incorporated, it’s subsidiaries, sponsors, relatives, distant cousins, or anyone we are trying to impress to get lucky.***** 

  
  

   

  
  

  This is an open letter to the low-life monkey-fisters who authored the:

  
  

  ‘Your computer is broadcasting an IP address making it vulnerable to attack!’

  
  

  

  
  

  …followed by, if you’re willing to click on ‘OK’, an explanation of why you need the services and products of:

  
  

  InternetALERT

  
  

  ..who then goes off on how they will save you from the evils of the internet. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m all for colorful and creative ways to make money as long as you’re not hurting anyone or stealing from them; and I’m also the kind of person who tries not to let my vocabulary degrade into name-calling when I get upset….

  
  

  But you pusillanimous bottom-feeding fear-mongers suck the shit out of a dead man’s ass with a straw!

  
  

  Playing off the fears of people to sell your product is not only opportunistically heinous, it’s a cruel and morally bankrupt way of shocking people into buying your obviously low-rate bat guano load of code. And it’s not that you’re lying…but you ARE playing off of the ignorance of others;

  
  

  
  
  1. 
     
     EVERY request made on the Internet is done through an IP address that is unique at the time. Saying that it’s ‘your computer’ is misleading.
     
     
  2. 
     
     Your claim that, using your amazing ‘tracing’ abilities that “InternetALERT can actually track down and give you a visual map of your Intruder’s ISP location, allowing you to see where your attacker came from! This allows you to see where in the world your attacker is located.  NOTE: This is a map of the ISP (Internet Service Provider) that the attacker is using to get their Internet access.” this is total gerbil droppings you lying sacks of ditch water! The folks you REALLY need to be worried about can’t be caught this way anyhow, and this information only makes someone think they’re James Rockford gonna go bust some internet heads. I can only hope that you get dragged into a lawsuit that stems from this information you intellectual pigmies.
     
     
  3. 
     
     And last but not least, I hope a herd of grandparents descends upon you like a wave of professional wrestlers because you made them panic and they lost 28 megs of pictures they had spent all month scanning in because they reloaded the computer or turned it off in a panic because you purposefully made the ad look like an operating system alert pop-up window.

  
  

  In short, you deserve to be taken out back and have the crap beat out of you with a burlap sack full of fresh East Texas roadkill. Had I the time and money, I’d have this little ad made into a plaque, and a thousand years from now, archeologists would marvel and entire degree specializations would crop up on the myriad speculations of how a plaque that large could fit up a human rectum. Your rectum.

  
  

   

  • 9:37 pm
  • 3 Comments